


Going Out With A Bang

by lennongirl



Category: Actor RPF, Star Wars RPF
Genre: Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-10
Updated: 2013-06-10
Packaged: 2017-12-15 00:25:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/843178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lennongirl/pseuds/lennongirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three encounters were all it took for Hayden to finally clear his mind. Three encounters with Ewan, Hayden’s very own trilogy, and he eventually got it. And he didn’t know what it was until then.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Out With A Bang

**Author's Note:**

> Set during the filming of Episode III. No Star Wars knowledge required ;)
> 
> Written in May 2005.

Hayden had had a crush on Ewan since… forever. Or at least it felt like forever to him. Although he could go into more detail if he wanted, it had started sometime in Summer 2000, back then during his first time in Australia, when everything was still light and fun and just different. Back then, when it was still easy to laugh and be silly and just be. It had been at that time that Hayden had started fighting the tension rising in his body whenever Ewan was talking to him, or acting with him, or doing something else in close proximity. Hayden had lived off these moments, and saved them all in his memory, reliving them again and again later, alone, just like the love-struck teenager he’d been. He’d never acted upon it, because hey, here was young funny Hayden with the secret crush, there was Ewan, friend and mentor on and off screen, loved by anyone, leagues away. It had been an infatuation kept well hidden, nothing less and certainly nothing more. But still, those had been wonderful days and sometimes Hayden got nostalgic about them. His crush on Ewan. Since forever. Pathetic. But young and innocent and… real.

Now, three years later, things were a whole lot different. Hayden was different. But the strange thing was that Ewan seemed to be different, too. Hayden did not get it right away, there was fun and laughter and friendship as usual, but something was off. There was some tension between them he couldn’t define any further. During the Clones-shoot, Hayden had sometimes feared that Ewan hadn’t taken him seriously enough, not as an actor, not as a co-worker, not even as a human. Not that Ewan had ever given him reason to think so, instead, Hayden had blamed it on his naiveté and youth back then. But now? Was it still the same old or something else? He didn’t know.

Hayden watched Ewan, watched him chatting and laughing with Carrie, watched the two of them whispering like two allies in their own secret war. He watched him flirting with Natalie, pinching her cheeks and giving her _that_ smile, as if she were the only women in all of Australia. He watched him talking with George, watched Ewan listening, concentrating, brows furrowed. And then he noticed what Ewan was like with him, how he patted him on the shoulder, dropped some useless comment and nodded, lost in thought. As if he could let go, since it was only Hayden he was talking to. Only Hayden. 

Maybe it was necessary for the shoot. Maybe there had to be some distance. Maybe George had instructed Ewan, or Ewan himself had come up with his very own method acting. Create tension and distance. Right. Maybe Hayden was just an oversensitive idiot.

He tried to relax and not worry about it. Ewan was fun and polite and nice as always, then again, you’d rather see the day hell freezes over than Ewan McGregor being anything but fun and polite and nice. No matter how Hayden looked at it, something did seem off, only he couldn’t pinpoint it. It bothered him, and since he had no idea what to do about this matter – what was the matter exactly, again? – he spent most of his free time brooding and pondering, pretending to learn lines or shit.

Natalie one day complained about him not being “fun little Ani” anymore. Hayden shrugged and told her some bullshit about media and exhaustion and growing up. She swallowed it and hugged him out of sympathy. Hayden glanced over her shoulder and saw Ewan, watching them, smirking and shaking his head.

“What?” he asked, the question coming out not as harsh as he’d intended. Yet another failure.

“Nothing,” Ewan answered. “Just the two of you. Cute.” He shook his head again and left and Hayden had the sudden desire to follow him and shove him, hard.

It wasn’t that Hayden didn’t appreciate the little snarls between them anymore. Only, he wanted more. Appreciation. Closeness. The bond that once had been there. Or hadn’t it? Hayden wasn’t sure anymore, not about anything. All he knew was that he had no desire to fill the role of the sad, whiney lead, comforted by his female co-stars and laughed at by the male ones. He had to focus. He was an actor, wasn’t he? 

Sure he was. He could do this. So he made a deal with himself and things got better. He was fun and easy again, made jokes with Natalie, never complained about anything anymore, went bike riding with Ewan and got drunk with him afterwards and smiled, smiled, smiled. The nagging was still there, but he ignored it. 

Three encounters were all it took for Hayden to finally clear his mind. Three encounters with Ewan, Hayden’s very own trilogy, and he eventually got it. And he didn’t know what it was until then.

***

The first of these special encounters was a few weeks into shooting, the end of a long and exhausting day. There had been nothing different about it, just the usual all work, no play. And then Ewan was walking next to him. Which wasn’t special, either. But what he said was.

“You’re fucking amazing, you know that?”

Hayden stopped. “Huh?”

“I said you’re fucking amazing.”

“Yeah, so... uhm?” Hayden watched Ewan, now standing opposite him. Watched him, desperate for any kind of praise, waited for him to speak again, to tell him more. 

“What I mean is… you know, you’re doing a great job here. I know you’ve gone through some shit and all that, but Hayden. What you’re doing here… it’s, yes, amazing.”

Hayden knew he blushed – fuck! – and tried to hide it by grinning at the same time. “Thanks.”

“You know I’m not trying to sweet talk you. I mean it. Just give yourself some more credit. Believe. And damn, cheer up. Whatever it is you’re worried about, it’s not worth it. You will blow them all away, mark my words.”

Something clicked inside Hayden, and when he grinned again, it was real. For the first time in weeks, maybe. And although Ewan had no idea what he was really worried about, this was good enough for him. For now.

“I will take you up on your insane ramblings, then. You’d better get ready to have them haunt you one day.”

Now Ewan grinned, too. “That’s my boy.” And then he grabbed him, and squeezed him all of a sudden. The air was pressed out of Hayden’s lungs so fast it almost hurt, but damn, it felt fucking good. 

It felt good for days after. And Hayden allowed himself to believe in what Ewan had said. Because it was true: he knew Ewan wouldn’t sweet talk or bullshit him. He felt like taking the first breath in weeks.

***

And then, several weeks later, Hayden’s world exploded. The fucking snapshot. It was only a kiss, Christ, published in some third class mag, keeping the rumour mills busy. Hayden tried to play it down, but George wouldn’t hear any of it. ‘Your career, Hayden.’ ‘Attend with Natalie.’ ‘Smile.’ ‘Don’t fuck this up any further.’ And Hayden did as told. This was his time. He’d have enough opportunities to worry later.

Until the second encounter with Ewan fucking McGregor, who one day sat down next to him, all complete with that shit eating grin, burning cigarette in the corner of his mouth, cool beer in his hand. Ewan smoked and grinned and finally said: “So, you like cock?”

Ewan McGregor had the best opening lines, no shit. Hayden dropped the paper he’d been reading in – look, there were Natalie and him, all flirty and charming and awww, what a cute couple – and blinked before he answered. 

“Excuse me?”

“I asked if you liked cock. You know. Dick. Penis. Men in general.”

“I got that. What the fuck, Ewan, I’m not in the mood for this shit.” He really wasn’t. George was giving him enough trouble as it was, the last thing Hayden needed was more from Ewan, no, but thanks. The desire to shove Ewan, to wipe that grin from his face, to do something – _physical?_ – to him was back with a vengeance. How dared he.

“Hayden.” The voice suddenly had a hard and final edge to it. The grin was gone.

“Ewan.” Two could play that game.

“Put that fucking paper away and listen to me.”

“Fine.” Hayden put on a show and took his time, neatly folding the paper, slowly sitting upright, carefully crossing his legs. “So,” he said when he was done, “what’s up. But really, I’m not up for jokes about this piece of bullshit rumour.”

“Neither am I.” Ewan narrowed his eyes and Hayden shivered inwardly, suspecting for the first time that maybe Ewan wasn’t joking, after all.

“Hayden, you can pull your tricks on George or all these oh-so important film people or any other human being who gets off on the so called celeb news that sell you for whatever you want them to. But don’t try this shit on me.”

“I am not…”

“Bullshit!” Ewan was on the verge of shouting. Hayden saw the muscles on his neck constricting, saw the veins pumping and wondered for a split second if he wasn’t the only one with shoving fantasies.

“Really, Ewan,” he tried again, “I don’t think you really know what…”

“Stop,” Ewan interrupted him again. “Stop, Hayden. Don’t do this to me. Don’t insult me like that.”

Hayden leaned back and closed his eyes. “Fuck.” He inhaled and exhaled a few times, tried to collect himself, before he dared to face Ewan again. “What do you want?”

“What I want,” the voice was softer again, “is to make sure that you don’t sell out. To make sure that you don’t forget who you are. You’re still young, but that’s no excuse for doing what you did. I feel that… somebody needs to talk some sense into you.”

“I’m okay, thanks a lot.”

“I don’t think so. Hayden. Don’t start pretending to be what you aren’t. You do that for a living, don’t let it take over your life.”

“Ewan, really, you have no idea.”

“No? Well, hurting and neglecting the boyfriend because of your career doesn’t sound like a nice move to me.”

“Boyfriend?”

“You really think I wouldn’t know?”

Hayden looked down onto his boots. “There is no boyfriend.”

“Hayden. I said stop…”

“No, no.” Hayden thought back to… shit. He didn’t want to go back there. And Ewan was right, he had nobody to talk about all this, at least not here. So, Ewan… was there any better person to talk about this anyway? Hayden couldn’t think of one. He raised his head again. “You got that wrong. There really is no boyfriend. Not… anymore.” 

Ewan’s jaw dropped. “Fuck, Hayden.” 

Hayden felt very small all of a sudden. And young. And vulnerable. Shit. But no, he wasn’t the love-struck teenager anymore, he was grown up, he was able to make his own decisions and take responsibility for them, and nobody could take that away from him, not even Ewan. 

“Choosing career over everything? You think that’s the way to be?”

“That wasn’t the only reason.” 

“Yeah, whatever works for you. But I bet the other reasons didn’t matter at all.” Ewan scooted closer, his knee touching Hayden’s thigh, and Hayden tried to ignore the old familiar tingling in his stomach, no, he was getting angry, because really, what gave Ewan the right to judge about him that way?

“Hayden,” Ewan went on, “don’t allow others to have so much influence on you.”

Hayden shook his head. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

“Oh, believe me, I’ve been around, I know…”

“No, you don’t!” Suddenly, Hayden was on his feet, standing above Ewan, the anger making him shout. “You have no idea, Ewan, not a fucking clue. How could you, ever? You can do whatever you want. They will love you, no matter what. You can take the shittiest roles, you can do the craziest things, you can fuck whoever you want. You can be straight or gay or bi or whatever the fuck, you can go in drag, you can even talk about your fucking cock in interviews and I bet you could have babies for breakfast and everybody would still love you. It doesn’t matter. You’re infallible. You’re married with children. You’re Ewan fucking McGregor. You’ll get away with _everything_. So don’t you _ever_ tell _me_ what it’s like.”

Hayden slumped back down on the sofa. The anger had gone as sudden as it had appeared, and the now following silence was dreadful. Hayden felt sick all of a sudden. And Ewan just stared at him. 

“Ewan…” he finally began, but what else could he say after that outburst?

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I’m… I didn’t mean that.”

“No, you did. And you’re right. But that’s just me being me. And you can do the same. We’re a lot alike, you and me.”

Hayden snorted lightly. “Right. As if.”

“It’s true. Believe me when I say I know what it’s like. But as long as you let others make decisions that you later claim to be your own, nothing will change. Make your own decisions, make others accept them, and everybody will love you, too.”

“I made my own decision. Nobody forced me to. Seriously. I figured… it was better this way.”

Ewan looked at him, long and serious. “Okay then. If you say so, I will respect that. Just… think about what I said.”

“I will. And you’re right, you know. About what you said. It’s just… not easy.”

“It never is, Hayden. But you’ll be fine.”

Hayden nodded. “I hope so.”

“You will. You know, you should’ve been there when we were shooting ‘Black Hawk Down’. You’d have loved it.”

Hayden couldn’t help but smile a bit. “You’re crazy.”

“If you say so. Feeling better now?”

“Yes.”

“Good. And now, tell me. If you like. About those other reasons.”

And Hayden did. Afterwards, he felt as if the proverbial huge weight had been taken off his shoulders.

***

The last weeks of shooting were the best for Hayden. He smiled. He laughed. He loved it. He began flirting with Ewan during rehearsal, just for the pure thrill of it. He knew George got annoyed with it every now and then, “Focus, guys, focus!”, but he also knew that Ewan never minded but happily played along. There was lots of winking, some groping and all kinds of innuendos, cheered on by Ewan’s constant smirk and Natalie’s not really serious complains about feeling left out. Hayden got a kick out of making the most immature lightsaber jokes ever, and Ewan even encouraged him. It was silly and childish, but Hayden had stopped caring. He felt at ease, and that was what was important. The tension seemed to be gone. Almost. 

 

The third and last special encounter with Ewan was after the last day of principal shooting. Hayden had never really dreaded the end of shooting, for the very last day was also his very own big day: the first time he appeared on set in full Vader costume. George had given into his pleads and there Hayden was, excited and nervous. And everyone was there, watching him with a mixture of awe and melancholy. It was almost too much.

Ewan came over to him as soon as he was finished; Hayden had barely gotten the helmet off.

“And? How was it?” Ewan asked him afterwards, voice unusually enthusiastic.

“Wow. Awesome. It’s possible I just came in that suit.”

Ewan laughed, so open and honest. “Now, that would’ve been something. Going out with a bang.”

“Yeah. And I bet it would sell on eBay.”

Ewan lowered his voice. “You should keep it. The gear. The helmet, at least.”

“Right. As if they’d let me get away with it. I’d just walk out, dressed like this, I’d probably stumble and fall down after a few feet, but nobody would pay attention anyway.”

“Might be worth a try.”

“Would be a great souvenir for sure. Uhm, I gotta change. I’m all sweaty.”

Ewan smirked. “Come see me later.”

 

Later was a few hours later, and Hayden was jogging down the corridor to Ewan’s room, still riding high on adrenaline from the day’s happening, cheeks flushed with excitement. His knock on the door was answered quickly, Ewan almost pulled him in and closed the door immediately. 

“What?” Hayden asked, breathless and curious.

“I got you something.”

It was a lightsaber. Not the cheap ones they’d used for training, but one of the good props. 

“Wow.” Hayden took the object in his hand as if he’d touch it for the very first time. “Wow, Ewan. How did you…?” The words died when he saw Ewan had gotten himself one, too.

“Don’t ask. I just got them.”

And then, Hayden started laughing. Of course. Ewan would get away with it, he really should have known. It was completely ridiculous, but the prop in his hands felt like the most valuable thing he’d ever possessed. 

“I’m pleased to see you like my present,” Ewan smirked, once Hayden had calmed down a bit.

“I do. It’s the best present ever.”

“So you never forget, Hayden.”

“I won’t.”

Hayden looked at Ewan and wondered why the mood had changed so suddenly. He didn’t feel like laughing anymore, he felt like… 

“You wanna touch mine?”

Hayden’s zoomed in on the lightsaber Ewan was waving in front of his eyes.

“You grant me permission to touch this valuable weapon of yours?” he asked jokingly. “You freak,” he added, just to make sure Ewan got the mocking. Hayden wasn’t sure what was going on anymore.

“Why, isn’t that what you wanted all along?”

The sound of his voice. The raised eyebrow. A challenge. And suddenly, it all made perfect sense to Hayden. It was as if he’d accidentally stumbled across the one missing piece of the mysterious puzzle that had bothered him for months now. 

Of course. _That_ tension. Love-struck teenager? Far from it. 

Hayden stepped closer, invading Ewan’s space, one hand catching Ewan’s wrist. 

Ewan fucking grinned at him.

He’d known all along, Hayden thought, not sure why he was surprised about this new-found knowledge at all. With his free hand, he grabbed the props and let them fall to the floor, the oh so valuable souvenirs dropping to the ground with a small thud. Fuck them. Hayden would get a better one.

He was still holding onto Ewan. Who still grinned.

“Well? Go on.”

Hayden reached down and tentatively pressed his palm against Ewan’s crotch. Ewan was hard under his hand, and Hayden didn’t need to know anything else. Gently but firmly, he shoved Ewan against the wall behind them. This was exactly it. Finally. Ewan made a little gasping sound as he made contact with the wall, but Hayden didn’t give him any chance to catch his breath. In the next moment, he was all over him, his own erection grinding against him, so desperate for friction it almost hurt. Hayden bowed down and kissed Ewan in a similar manner, all tongue and teeth, horny and so almost there.

Ewan gave him about two minutes to have his way, before he grabbed Hayden and turned the tables on him. Hayden never knew what hit him; one moment, he was rubbing against Ewan’s thigh like some cheap imitation of a dog in heat, the next, he found himself face to face with a layer of bricks, a hard erection pressing against his ass.

“This way,” Ewan hissed and lifted Hayden’s arms to pull his shirt off, and Hayden didn’t even think about complaining. Instead, he let out a small whimper and bit his lip to stop another one. There was blood on his tongue, but if it hadn’t been for the metallic taste he never would’ve noticed. He swallowed, pushed back against Ewan and fumbled with his zipper once his hands were free again.

Now, now.

“Easy,” Ewan tried to calm him down while he kept on freeing them both of their clothes. Nice try, but a little to late. 

“Ewan. Now.”

“Getting there. Mhh.” 

Hayden held his breath when he felt a pair of cold hands on his butt, kneading it urgently. The shock subsided, replaced by the feeling of Ewan biting his neck. Hayden turned his head willingly, giving Ewan all the access he needed, all the access they both needed. 

Hayden wondered for a split second how Ewan could manage all his actions at the same time - _believe me, I’ve been around, I know_ \- , how he was able to give Hayden this pleasure by sneaking a hand between his body and the wall, to roll and pinch his nipple in that fucking amazing way - _we’re a lot alike, you and me_ -, and where the fuck did that condom come from?

_Going out with a bang._

“You… you planned this,” Hayden choked out, overwhelmed by pleasure and intensity, caused by an old desire, a too long celibacy and Ewan, always Ewan.

“You think so? Maybe it was you who planned this,” Ewan replied casually, grabbing Hayden’s pulsing cock and stroking it with the perfect amount of pressure. “And all I was waiting for was for you to come around.”

Maybe it was, maybe he had, but he wasn’t interested anymore. All he needed was…

“Spread you legs a bit.”

…this, the feeling of Ewan pushing in, slowly, but still painful. Hayden gritted his teeth as he felt his muscles tense to fight the intrusion his body had almost forgotten. Ewan surely hadn’t taken his time to prepare him thoroughly, but he made his point, loud and clear.

_So you never forget, Hayden._

Hayden heard words then, he didn’t make out what they were saying, but Ewan’s voice was soft and soothing, and he was fucking him against a wall, holy shit, and this was better than everything else, and how could he ever allow somebody to take this pleasure away from him? It wasn’t right, never would be. Hayden relaxed and Ewan pushed in further, and then he was in all the way, paused, and started rocking, breaking down the last barriers with gentle thrusts. 

 

Afterwards, while Hayden lazily smoked his cigarette, he thought about what was ahead of him. A wrap party, promotion, premieres. Other sets, other actors, other films. And other lays and crushes and, who knew, maybe also other loves. Things would change and he’d have to prove himself over and over again, but he wasn’t worried about that, not anymore. He was Hayden Christensen, he was what he was, and if somebody couldn’t deal with that, it was their problem, not his. 

Ewan reached for the ashtray on Hayden’s chest. “So?” he smirked, “was I right? Was that what you wanted?”

Hayden didn’t answer right away. “No,” he finally said, “no, that wasn’t what I wanted. It was what I needed.”

And Ewan smiled.

~END~


End file.
